Confusion doesn’t always equate unhappiness. In fact, in my opinion, it rarely does. I have been told more times than you can imagine that I am a confused soul. And I don’t see the point debating that - because it is true. To do or not to do? To eat or not to eat? To meet or not to meet? To wake up or not to? To buy or not to? To take that job or not to? To travel over the summer or just stay where I am? There is never a time I have been able to make a decision with complete and utter clarity. It seems to me and everyone else who knows me well enough that I always just end up doing or not doing things involuntarily or by chance. In all my confusion, I always end up doing the thing that comes my way first. Or sometimes, just the thing that seems easier.
I’ve let go of relationships, good and bad, because of this confusion. I’ve made some not-so-great career choices. I’ve even lost some friends. But I’ve never felt that the outcome was wrong for me.I have always wanted and continue to want many things all at once. I want to be a writer and a lawyer. A photographer and a social activist. I want to run a charity and be selfless and giving, yet make enough money to live a life of great comfort. I want to fall in love, but I’m scared of being in a relationship. I want to be a good friend, a good daughter, a good sister, but I don’t want to care about anyone but myself! I am always torn, between this and that. But somehow I’ve never felt unhappy about all this confusion in my life. I won’t say it’s a great thing. It’s probably not. But somehow all this confusion gives me a weird hope. It lets me dream. Yes, I want to do multiple things! And I may not be able to do them all at once, but I will do them all one by one in this lifetime. I will achieve more than I myself think I can. I truly believe that. And that is probably why I never feel bad or let down with myself every time I’m not able to make a clear decision. Because I know it comes from a place of wanting to achieve more. Wanting to do more and making the most out of life. I don’t know what I want every step of the way. I don't have a five year plan. Who knows what life may throw my way?!