My boyfriend and I started off as any typical filmy love story. We met when we were in junior college, were friends for a while and that friendship soon turned into love. We started dating at the young age of 18 and are still together six and a half years later. He’s adorably sweet, makes me laugh and we were always one of those couples that everyone else hates because we were so into each other. Even as teenagers, all our friends were sure that we were definitely going to marry each other.
But after four and a half blissful years of being together, my world came crashing down when he had decided to go to London for his post-grad. And he also wanted to stay back and work there after finishing his degree. Breaking up was not even an option for either of us and we decided to give long distance a shot. I was miserable but supported his ambition. It took me a long time to adjust to my new life of only being able to see him through a screen. I hate to admit it, but I was one of those girls whose world revolved around her boyfriend and suddenly I felt so lost and incomplete.
Eventually, I got used to it and in fact started enjoying doing all the things I would never do when he was around - like spending a lot of time with my closest friends and going out for girls’-night-outs. My boyfriend had always been a bit possessive and I used to find his protective nature cute, but his possessiveness started reaching new levels every time I would go out with my friends. He was still as sweet and loving as ever but he would get pretty insecure every time I was out or around a group of people with other guys present. I was always telling him to relax, that he had nothing to worry about and to trust me. It’s funny how big a hypocrite I feel like now…
I had once met this guy through one of my friends and I found him insanely cute and even accepted his Facebook friend request, but that was all - I wasn’t single, after all. We didn’t meet after that, but he would occasionally chat with me online, which soon turned into texting once in awhile. He would randomly message me every couple months and we would end up texting for hours. We really “clicked” and I really enjoyed talking to him. He would also openly flirt with me, and I knew I shouldn’t, but I was enjoying talking to him way too much to hold back.
He was aware that I was in a serious relationship and even vaguely knew my boyfriend through common friends, but that didn’t stop us. I had never responded to any guy who had ever tried to hit on me in all the years that I was dating my boyfriend, I was totally committed to him - but there was just something about this guy, I couldn’t help being insanely attracted to him. And my boyfriend’s possessiveness wasn’t helping at all.
Soon, I started partying like crazy with my friends. We all loved to drink on the weekend and I was really enjoying my pseudo-single life. I missed my boyfriend immensely, but going out with my friends and flirting with this guy via texts was somehow helping me cope and distracting me from the void I felt being so apart from him. In my mind, it was still innocent - I wasn’t really doing anything wrong, I would tell myself - and I really didn’t have any intention of taking things any further than that.
Then one Friday night, I made a series of unfortunate choices that I will forever feel guilty about. After a few low-key weekends, my friends and I had made big plans for a “raging” night of lots of alcohol and hitting the hippest clubs in the city. I was pretty excited and was totally ready for a crazy night of drinking. We met early to pre-drink and then ended up going to 3 different clubs that were all close to each other. When the clubs shut, we were pretty wasted - but we still weren’t ready to call it a night yet. Somehow, we ended up going to a friend’s house for an after party. And guess who happened to be there – yes, HIM! I won’t lie, I was secretly excited to see him. We drunkenly flirted with each other the whole time there. By then, I had lost count of how much vodka, beer and tequila I had drunk (mixing drinks was a horrible decision!).
Pretty soon, there were just a few of us left, it had gotten pretty late and he asked me if I wanted to leave. I said yes. The few friends that were there were too drunk to question us and just assumed that he was dropping me home. I got into his car and he took me to his place. When we got there, of course, he made his move. I had reached a point of no return - I had been drinking for the past 8 hours. It was easy to block out any thoughts that were remotely sane and I just went for it. I let the attraction take over.
A couple hours later, he dropped me home. The sun had already been up for a while by then. That was the last time I ever heard from him.
When I woke up that day, I felt horribly hungover, disgusted and ashamed of myself. I was consumed with guilt over what I had done and was completely distracted for days after that, cringing every time I would get a hazy flashback of that night. I had never been one for one-night-stands and couldn’t even think of hooking up with someone I barely knew, let alone cheating! I felt horrible every time my boyfriend called me and told me how much he missed me. I knew if I ever told him he would definitely leave me - he loved me more than anything and I couldn’t even imagine how hurt he would feel. He would be shattered.
My best friends convinced me that I wasn’t the total bitch that I felt like, that the distance had gotten to me and to not tell him and spare him all that hurt when I knew it would never happen again. I still can’t believe what I did - it was totally unlike me, and I hate that I proved that cliché that people always cheat in a long distance relationship. I also felt like a total idiot for being an easy hook-up for that guy - his lack of contact ever since proved that that was all he was looking for. I’m also so angry that he knew how drunk I was but still went ahead with it. Not that I’m not to blame of course.
It’s been a few months since that incident; I’ve deleted that guy off my Facebook list, Snapchat and everywhere else. I just try to block the whole thing from my mind. It’s actually gotten easier with time. I still feel guilty, I don’t think that will ever stop - but it’s also made me appreciate my adorable, caring and amazing boyfriend even more. I’ve been trying harder to make the distance work and we’re actually in a great place now. I’ve also stopped trying to drown my misery in booze. He’s coming back to visit soon and I absolutely cannot wait. I’ve never been this excited for anything before.
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Published on Oct 19, 2015