Relationships are tricky business. We fight as much as we love, if not more. However, at times, we get so mad at each other that we blurt out words and do things that we regret later.
Let’s begin by saying that there is nothing wrong with having arguments in a relationship. In fact, some people might argue that the occasional tiff once in a while can be a good thing and will just help you learn more about your partner and communicate better. It can also help you get things off your chest.
However, the most important thing is to know where to draw the line. A healthy argument where you listen to your partner and then take time to give your point-of-view is the way to go. Name-calling, shaming or pin-pointing mistakes will only make everything worse and should never be brought into the picture - at all costs.
It is important to keep a few things in mind if you are in disagreement with your loved one. Let’s play by a few rules when we fight out our battles of love. Here are a few things you should never say (or do) during a fight with your boyfriend.
The proverbial mistake a lot of people make during an argument is threatening to end the relationship. Try and work around the problem instead of issuing an ultimatum. It may be a moment of emotional madness on your part, but it just may give an impression that you were never serious about the relationship and cannot look for alternate solutions.
Bollywood movies have given us some iconic dialogues over the years. However, if you haven’t realised it already, these movies aren’t an accurate representation of real life. Making dramatic statements that you say just for shock value aren’t going to solve any problems in your relationship--in fact, they’ll probably make them worse!
One of the classic mistakes that you can commit during an argument is digging the past and bringing up things that you know will trigger or upset your boyfriend. If you’ve moved past a particular incident/problem and have forgiven him, why do you need to keep reminding him about it?
Look, we get it. Confrontations are hard and sometimes, it's just easier to change the topic and brush all your problems under the rug. But the fact is that you have to deal with those problems eventually, otherwise they’ll keep snowballing till one of you reaches a breaking point. So instead of changing the topic, communicate respectfully with your partner.
This is a BIG no-no. Never bad-mouth your boyfriend during fights because you’re angry. This only indicates that you don’t respect him, and he may lose respect for you too. If you do have a genuine problem with his behaviour, sit him down and have a mature conversation about why it affects you, and what you can do to resolve the issue.
It is natural for even the most confident person to have their own set of insecurities. When in a relationship, partners often tend to confide in their significant others about all the things that make them insecure, owing to trust. If you constantly bring up your partner’s insecurities, not only are you breaching that trust, you will also deepen their insecurities.
This is one of the most toxic things you can subject your boyfriend to. Constantly comparing them to your ex will make them believe you don’t value them enough. Remember, your relationship with your ex-boyfriend ended for a reason. And if you are still harbouring feelings for your ex, you shouldn’t be with your current partner. Make up your mind, and come to a decision about your relationship-- either stop dropping the ex bomb, or end things with your current flame.
This goes without saying. When it comes to arguing, you might feel like you’re the one who’s right and be tempted to confide in your family or friends so that they can ‘take sides’. Don’t do that. A relationship is between two people and its problems should remain between them. Unless your partner is abusive or toxic, try to resolve your problems without getting a third party involved.
It’s normal to lose your temper at your partner from time to time. Two individuals who spend a lot of time together will obviously get irritated by the other’s behaviour. However, make sure you fight in a dignified way. Don’t bad-mouth, insult or call each other names. This will slowly diminish the respect the two of you have for each other, leading to the demise of your relationships. Remember, some words cannot be taken back!
Threatening to cheat on your partner is extremely toxic behaviour, and symptomatic of larger issues that might be plaguing you. Why do you feel the need to threaten your partner with infidelity? This is pure emotional blackmail and will take a toll on your boyfriend’s mental health. If you’re thinking about cheating on him, you might need to find out the underlying cause and talk to a professional counsellor about your problems.
When you’re fighting with your partner because you feel they aren’t putting in the same amount of efforts you’d like them to, try to address the problem practically. Be straightforward with them and tell them about your expectations from them in a calm and collected manner. Don’t constantly tell them that you’re ‘always’ the one doing the emotional labour of the relationship and how they ‘never’ put in any efforts--they might feel attacked and get defensive. Try going with something like ‘I understand you have a lot on your plate, however, I’d really like it if you could pitch in more for ____.’ The more respectfully you talk to your boyfriend, the more likely he is to listen to and understand what you’re saying.
If your main focus is to win the argument instead of resolving your problem, you seriously need to consider the future of the relationship. It shows that you either don’t care for your partner enough, or you have extremely unhealthy fighting patterns and will go to extreme lengths to be ‘right’ about something--even if it means hurting the one you love. If you don’t want to hurt your partner and genuinely care about them, start working on your unhealthy behaviour.
There can be two reasons as to why you would bring up this statement: a) because you have genuinely fallen out of love with your boyfriend, or b) you are manipulating their emotions to hurt them so that you can get your way. If the former is true, don’t bring it up in a fight--sit down with them and break it to them gently, explaining to them why you feel this way and whether it is fixable. However, if the former applies to you, you need to dig deeper into why you are turning to attention seeking tactics instead of honest communication.
We get it, sometimes arguments can be so draining we can’t say what we wanted to. However, don’t let this turn into ‘silent treatment’; it that will only agitate your partner further. If you feel like you’re too drained to continue the discussion, ask your partner for a time-out and take a few moments to ponder over the issue. Once you gain some clarity and perspective, talk to them in a cool and practical manner.
Don’t listen to people who say they *never* fight with their partner, because they may be hiding the truth. Arguing and fighting with your loved one is completely normal and even healthy--as long as you don’t let your arguments become toxic. It’s okay to lose your temper from time to time--just be sure to honestly communicate what you’re feeling with respect.
Okay, you’ve taken the first step in the right direction--you’ve admitted your mistake and now you want to make things right. Start by sitting down with him and telling him that you looked at things from his perspective and you realised that maybe you acted brash/unfair/rude. Tell him that you’re genuinely sorry for what transpired between you two and that you’re ready to do what it takes to fix the problem.
Arguments can go from angry to toxic in no time. After a point, you tend to forget what you were arguing about in the first place and focus more on putting the other person down. This is a very slippery slope. When you realise that an argument isn’t going in the right direction, ask your partner for a time out and tell him you need some time to cool down and think about what he said. When you stop feeling angry, you’ll see things more clearly and be more willing to compromise.
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This story was updated in March 2019.