The first time you have sex with someone is a big deal – let no one tell you differently.
Whether you have been thinking about it since puberty, or only for a few days or weeks, it’s normal (and usual!) to be totally stressed out. Especially since you’ve probably heard plenty of scary stories about pain and stuff. But guess what? It’s not all bad. It is, in fact, rather wonderful
– experiencing for the very first time the most physically intimate act you can share with another human being. It is one the most memorable things that any human being ever experiences – and we are here today to help you through it, so that you have the most amazing time possible.
1. Do your research
Read up on sex as much as you can! Steamy sex scenes in novels is not going to help you here – they might turn you on, but you gotta admit that they tend to be somewhat skimpy on the actual facts of what goes where
, and how exactly your body functions. But don’t worry - there are plenty of genuinely helpful and informative books out there targeted at the first-timer
. And if hoarding up on books about sex is likely to land you in trouble with your folks, then be discreet and find online resources to help you out
– sites like Scarleteen
and even WikiHow
can be of immense help when it comes to information.
2. Talk about it with your partner
Here’s the thing: given how nerve-wracking and stressful the thought of doing it the very first time can be, it is way better to be getting it on with someone you know and are comfortable with
than a random guy you’ve just met, or someone you know and are attracted to, but haven’t actually dated. When you’re sure that you’ve met the guy you want to do it with, talk to him about it
. Is he also okay with having sex with you? Are you guys on the same wavelength about the big event?
Sleeping with someone, especially for the first time, can change the equation between you, no matter how close you are. Are you both ready for it?
If the answer to all of this is yes, then co-opt him into your research and planning!
3. Choose the date, time and location in advance
Yes, we know it sounds a bit clinical, but you don’t want to be caught unprepared or unawares when it comes to something this important
. Making out is great, and yes, we all get caught up in the moment and want to do it right there and then, but this is a big step and you have to keep things such as safety and privacy in mind. Make sure you choose a place where you are unlikely to be disturbed for a length of time
- his place when his parents are expected back any moment, or the college amphitheatre where you risk being caught by security guards or, worse, your professors are not great options. A bedroom, with a comfortable bed and an attached bathroom, is ideal. Plan this for when your folks are away for the day.
Or even book yourselves into a hotel for a night. This is not an occasion when you want to rush things or have people walk in on you.
4. Remember that safety is non-negotiable
You’ve planned the date and time and location? Good. Now on to the more important matter of protecting yourself. The first step is to go see a gynaecologist and ask him or her anything and everything you’re worried about
, including if you should be on birth control
. If you’ve done your research, you know that you might bleed and your lady-bits might hurt for a while after – ask your doctor if and when you need to call and get a check-up done
. Next step, get yourself and your partner tested for any kind of STDs
. Even though this is your first time (and maybe for your partner too), chances are that either or both of you have engaged in some kind of sexual activity before this, so you need to be sure that you’re safe and disease-free. You don’t want to be worrying about this later on.
5. Figure out how to use a condom properly
Yes, you MUST use a condom. Birth control pills can protect you against pregnancy, but not against disease.
Now, unrolling and putting on a condom correctly is one of the most awkward things we have to learn to do, but learn we must. Don’t leave this to your partner because it goes on him – you need to figure it out too. This is a shared experience, after all. So practice, practice, practice! On your partner, on inanimate objects. If you think you’re not getting it right, Google it
- this video
, for instance, is a great tutorial on the dos and don’ts of putting it on correctly.
6. Make a trip to the chemist
, obviously. And buy a water-based lubricant
. By now, you probably know how quickly or slowly you get aroused. And both you and he should have touched each other’s private parts and know how well-lubricated you have to be in order for you to experience pleasure. The problem is, that on D-Day, you might find yourself not getting wet enough – it’s perfectly normal, it’s your body’s response to a new experience, combined with all the nervousness and anxiety and stress. This is when lube comes in handy. Use it generously
– there is no shame in it. Besides, it’s going to make penetration much easier! (P.S.: remember to buy only a water-based lubricant; don’t try at-home substitutes like Vaseline or baby oil that you may have heard people talking about – they make condoms porous, increasing the chances of them breaking.)
7. Make out every chance you get
Leading up to D-Day, kiss him, touch him, caress him.
Explore his body and his responses. And let him do the same to you. Familiarizing yourself with each other’s bodies is crucial for good sex. You need to learn what turns him on, what doesn’t; and he needs to figure out the same things about you.
In gradual stages, take your clothes off in front of each other. We are all conscious of our bodies – the bits that jiggle, the bits with marks and scars, the very prospect of laying our bodies bare in front of someone else. Make sure that by the time you’re getting down to actually having sex, you’re no longer shy about being naked in front of each other.
8. Balance your expectations
It’s your first time. And even if it isn’t his, you shouldn’t expect him to be some kind of sex guru (unless he is, of course). And real bodies that belong to real people have minds of their own – they sometimes don’t cooperate fully. There’s going to be a lot of trial and error, some awkward “Oops, that’s definitely not the right place” moments, plenty of nervousness, heart-thumping excitement, some pain, some discomfort, a few surprises - and then, hopefully, loads of pleasure. So while you should be anticipating the pleasure, don’t be disappointed if your first time isn’t like they show in porn. No one’s is!
(Neither is anyone’s third, fourth or 500th time – if that were the case, porn filmmakers would be out of business because everyone would be too busy doing it to watch others.) You may or may not have an orgasm; the same goes for him – after all, he is also feeling the same things that you are. The most important thing is that you are sharing this incredibly intimate experience with someone – treasure it, and remember it.
There’s plenty of time to experiment and amp it up in the future – for now, enjoy the connection that comes with being that physically close to another person.
9. Be prepared for some slightly awkward things
This is the first time your vagina is experiencing penetration, and that intensity of muscular activity and stimulation of nerves down there. This, unfortunately, may sometimes result in you needing to make a trip to the loo! It’s a bit embarrassing, but again perfectly normal. Also, since you might bleed, it’s important to keep a towel handy, as well as some sanitary napkins.
(Don’t use tampons – they might cause discomfort.) You’re also going to feel a bit achy and sore, so a hot shower after the act is a very good idea
. And if you can’t manage that, at the very least clean yourself down there with a warm washcloth. It will soothe and relax you. If you are not on birth control, keep an I-Pill handy
, just in case the condom breaks or slips off before he has withdrawn. And don’t be shy about calling your doctor – or a trusted friend or confidante – if you need help or just want to talk about it.
10. Don’t hesitate to postpone the act if you need to
If at any point you have misgivings, or if it hurts really badly, stop. If you feel ashamed, or think you’re going to regret this later, stop.
There is no reason to feel guilt or remorse about desiring your partner and indulging in this intimacy with him – at the same time, there is no reason to feel guilt or shame about wanting to not go ahead with it either. (This is why it’s so important that your first time be a planned affair with someone who cares about you rather than a random hook-up.) It will be okay, your partner will (have to!) understand. It is better to step back when you are feeling uncomfortable and pick up later than to go through with it half-heartedly
– that may make you regret the experience later. Kiss him, snuggle up to him, tell him what’s on your mind. Don’t jump up and run away – that’s unfair to him. Just take a break and cuddle with each other
, or even go out and eat a meal together. For all you know, good food and the company of someone who is there with you every step of the way will put you right back in the mood!
Good luck, ladies. We hope it’s good for you!
GIFs: Giphy, Tumblr, Buzzfeed
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