Managing Editor, POPxo
Well, ladies, having sex is not enough - the dream, after all, is to be having fabulous sex! And if that’s what you’re aiming for, here are a few sex mistakes that you need to be watching out for…
If you want to have sex, you have to tell your partner (or show it!). Don’t always wait for them to bring it up or make the first move. There is nothing wrong with feeling lusty – it’s a sign of a healthy libido, and also a healthy relationship. If you keep waiting for your partner to initiate all sexual activity, you are going to make them feel at least a little bit...undesired. Besides, remember, other people feel shy too! They might be wanting you like crazy, but not saying it out loud because they don’t want to come across as pushy or demanding.
We can’t emphasize this enough. Don’t let sex become completely wham-bam. A gradual build-up, which involves a lot of touching and kissing and making out, will always make for a more satisfactory encounter. A quickie is great for the times when you just want to rip each other’s clothes off and get down to business, but also take your time about it on other occasions. It tends to be more rewarding, and also helps build intimacy in the long run.
Far too many people hesitate to talk about sex. Please talk to your partner! Not just to tell them that you want to do it now, but also about what you like or don’t like. If there’s something that’s not working for you, tell them. Better yet, show them what you would like instead. And if you really like something, tell them that too – they definitely want to know if they’re giving you pleasure! (P.S.: don’t forget that a little dirty-talking can also rev up the temperature!)
Communicate, but don’t overwhelm them with feedback either. Providing too much direction is not going to make for an enjoyable encounter, since it will begin to feel like a controlled experiment. Leave room for spontaneity and go with the flow!
Real sex, between two human beings, isn’t really like it’s in the movies. Whether it’s an aesthetically shot montage with mood lighting in a romantic drama, or acrobatic porn. Our bodies have bumps and curves and don’t even bend in certain ways unless we are unusually athletic. As well, sex is messy. For instance, you can’t just have play around with honey and chocolate sauce without having to struggle with the washing later. Neither can you try The Pair of Tongs position without risking at least minor injury. Expectation management is important!
On the other hand, don’t dismiss all ideas at hand. Don’t say no to stuff without at least giving it a shot. Sex is about give and take and finding new ways of bringing each other pleasure. Unless it’s something totally out there and makes you super-uncomfortable (say, for instance, your partner wants to swing, and you don’t), make an effort to try out stuff. It helps the spark stay alive and keeps you from getting stuck in a rut. After all, you’ve got nothing to lose and potentially a whole new world of enjoyment to experience. So be open to at least a little bit of experimentation!
Yes, we all want validation about our skills, and we all want to hear our partners say that they love our bodies, but expressing insecurity in bed can kind of kill the mood. Concentrate on the act itself, on the moment. You don’t need to ask if you are as good in bed as their ex was – you probably are, else they wouldn’t be here with you now! And when it comes to your body: let’s face it, if they didn’t like it, they probably wouldn’t be making any effort to get you out of your clothes.
This is the worst thing you could be doing. Participate! Move, rock, grind, touch, engage. Just laying there, without doing anything, will kinda guarantee that the quality of the sex you’re having is nowhere near as great as it could be.
Listen up. The groin/ boobs, etc., are not the only erogenous parts of the body! You can stimulate someone (and, with enough practice, even bring them to climax) by touching in a multitude of places. Take time to familiarize yourselves with each other’s bodies and discovering all your hotspots. Some people have super-sensitive ears, some people can get turned on by just being nibbled along their neck and shoulders, some people moan with pleasure from a foot-rub... You get the picture!
Like we said before, sex is about give and take. The more pleasure your partner feels, the more committed they will be to your pleasure too. Don’t get so caught up in chasing your own orgasm that you completely neglect their enjoyment. You like to be on top? Great. Go ahead and do that. But remember that they might like it more while you’re both sitting up. So do that too!
That being said, please don’t be so focused on your partner that you’re ignoring yourself. You don’t have to be the one going down on them all the time – it’s okay to tell them that you’d like the favour returned. After all, orgasms are pretty darned awesome!
Do we really need to be telling you this? One of the mistakes that people make – and what prompts them into not using protection – is thinking that safe sex isn’t as good as not-safe sex. That’s a myth. Using a condom is going to deprive neither of you of orgasms. Yes, that’s true! So be safe, and make wise life choices.
C’mon, love, don’t be self-absorbed. Sometimes, people just don’t feel up to it. They might be tired, ill, stressed – it could be a whole host of things. Castigating your partner for not feeling horny at any given point of time is going to make them a) feel really bad about themselves; and b) in the long run, think that you’re not a particularly considerate person. A little sensitivity goes a long way towards maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. (P.S.: you can always try these out to get them in the mood!)
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