Couples fight. That’s what they do for a living. And if any pair you know tells you otherwise, they're probably trying to keep stuff "private". But, ladies, if the two of you are constantly running a marathon of fights, and getting into a vicious cycle of repeating the same arguments over and over again, stop it before it gets too toxic to contain! Here are a few ideas for you to try and break the habit of recurring quarrels and have a much happier relationship.
Now don’t get started on how he
won't participate. You CAN work it out.
1. No Swearing, Please
Argue. It’s your right. But never use abusive language or profanity. If he is the one who does it, then on one of those we-don’t-feel-like-fighting days, tell him not to. Realize - and help him understand - that it aggravates the situation and takes away focus from what the real problem is. You may forget everything else that was said during the argument over time, but you will always remember how you called each other names.
2. Walk Down Memory Lane
Make time to indulge in some nostalgia every now and then. Flip through old pictures of you and your partner. Revisiting the good times you have spent together will definitely help you reconnect with each other. The little moments of shared joy, which may have then seemed uneventful, will definitely remind you now why you guys got together in the first place.
3. Music Is Food for the Soul
Pull out old mix-tapes or CDs that you had made for each other. We attach memories to sounds, sights and smells. Listening to music that once defined your courtship will not only be fun but will also take the edge off stuff. And who cares if you are swaying to Mohammed Rafi or jiving to Michael Jackson!
4. Bring the Romance Back
Reflect on the things that made you happy before you entered into the relationship – the unexpected moments of intimacy, the surprise dates, the thrill of just heading out together without a plan – all the aww-so-cute stuff that romantic movies are made of. And remember, this is your movie: you not only play the leads, but also write and direct it.
5. Do the Math
Seriously, think of your life without the company of your partner - no one to cuddle with in the middle of the night, no one to take care of you when you are sick, no one to share your deepest secrets and vulnerabilities with, no one to accept you with all your idiosyncrasies... And, above all, how would it feel to not be unconditionally loved? If all this points towards something impossible to even imagine, make an effort to resolve things when they can be.
6. Come Up with Solutions
On a good day, talk things out, but not with the intention of playing the blame game and getting trapped in a you-did-this-and-I-did-this conversation. Come up with possible resolutions, but don’t force them down his throat either. Talk about the feasibility of the solutions with your partner - you are trying to solve a problem, not create a new one.
7. Introspection Is Important
Like any other troubling situation you may find yourself to resolve in life, introspection is essential when it comes to clearing up issues with your partner. Question your own actions and behaviour. You are neither a saint, nor are you required to be one. But admitting one’s mistakes and working on them is definitely doable and required. Ask yourself these questions: have you been over-possessive and nagging? Do you get angry and shout at the drop of a hat? Are your habits continuously pushing the limits? If the answers are yes, maybe it’s time you sat down calmly and did something about it. And, yes, he may be guilty of exactly the same things, but this about introspection, not comparison.
8. Walk a Bit in Each Other's Shoes
Every two to three weeks, keep a day aside for swapping roles. You do the groceries, let him do the dishes - or vice versa, depending on how you divide your chores. Getting into each other’s shoes will help you understand each other’s perspectives.
9. It's Better to Back Off Than Fight
If you are in a bad mood, refrain from getting into any heated conversations with your partner. If your partner starts a discussion that plucks the wrong chord, just tell him you are not in the right frame of mind and end it right there. You can surely come back to it when both of you are more composed.
10. Spend Time Away from Him
Everyone needs some alone time. You need to spend time with yourself in order to be good company for others. But don’t overdo it. Don’t disappear every time something goes wrong. Your alone time is not intended to make the other feel unwanted. Similarly, don’t get upset if your partner needs his own time.
11. Say "I Love You" More Often
Yes, it may sound a but corny, but you know, saying it - and having your partner hear and believe it - is reassuring. And if it helps remind you both that there is someone who loves you without reservation, why not?
So now that you have our how-tos in your kitty, use them diligently and wisely. And remember these handy phrases that help keep an argument from getting out of control: "I agree with part of what you’re saying"; "I think we are on the same page…"; "I understand; however, my part of the problem is…"; "Let’s just take a moment."
GIFs courtesy: gifsoup, tumblr, giphy
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