No matter what part of the country you’re from, or what community you belong to, if you’re an Indian getting married, chances are it’s a lavish production to rival a big, fat Bollywood shaadi. And if you’re a guest at an Indian wedding, of course, you’re in for a gala time with bucket-loads of food, booze and spectacularly colourful commentary on the whole affair. To prepare you for the wedding season just around the corner, we bring you a list of things you only hear at an Indian wedding. Shaadi mubarak to you all!
1. I like her sari, you think I should ask her where she brought it from?
Never miss an opportunity to plan your next shopping expedition.
2. Have you seen the size of her uncut set?!
It’s a wedding – of course it’s going to be shiny. There’s probably enough dazzle to make the King of Bling, Bappi-da, feel muted.
3. Bhari lehenga che! How much do you think it costs?
Some folks go just to estimate how much the bride’s trousseau costs.
4. When are you getting married, beta?
This is said to any girl (or guy) above the age of 21.
5. You’re next.
Can we please be next to next to next to next?
6. Is that a fake Sabya?
Or a Manish. Or a Tarun. Designer wear at a wedding – so, so important.
7. C’mon, let’s go up and take a picture with the bride and groom on the stage.
Followed by frustrated sighs when you realize the line is 45 minutes long. Ganpati darshans happen faster.
8. Beta, thoda aur khao.
Weddings and food – lifelong obsession of Indians, and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
9. How many tolas of gold do you think she is wearing?
Ah, our age-old passion for gold.
10. Arre, biwi bijli, aur saali pataka!
The bride’s friends may or may not be hot, but the bride’s sis sure is.
11. Who danced better? Boy’s side or girl’s?
World War III at every wedding.
12. I heard he took loan for the wedding. (Pointing to bride/groom’s father.)
It’s not a successful wedding unless you got giant holes in your bank account, yo.
13. She starved for a month to fit into that choli.
Well, you do need washboard abs for those super-sexy cholis.
14. Every time I go to pee, I feel like this sari is going to come undone.
All those pleats and that length, it’s HARD!
15. Where is the baraat?
Indian Stretchable Time. No better example of it than the bride’s family and guests waiting for the groom to show up.
16. I think I have to fake-cry at the vidaai.
Even though she is moving just 10 minutes away! A wedding is not complete without many, many litres of tears.
17. How many times will the DJ play “Radha”/Honey Singh?!
These are the modern-day wedding anthems.
18. They look so exhausted on the stage.
Maybe they shouldn’t have drunk so much at the sangeet?
19. Beta, excited for your honeymoon?
A break from the gazillion relatives? Of course they’re excited!
20. Your mehendi is so dark, your husband/mother-in-law will love you loads!
Yes, because well-stained palms is all you need to make a marriage work, of course.
21. Where are the jutas?!
Money-making racket no. 1, and tons of fun if you’re from the girl’s side.
22. Oho! She still has haldi stains on her cheeks. Very bad makeup.
What better time to sit in judgement on the bride?
23. What is there for dessert?
How would we EVER survive without our mithai?
24. I can’t drink any more!
Four days of landing up at ceremonies hungover, and all the youngsters are ready to pass out by the time the reception comes around.
25. Hum ladke walon ke taraf se hain!
Dropped when super-preferential treatment is needed. It works like magic.
26. What did the in-laws give?
Dowry might technically have been abolished ages ago, but relatives totally expect expensive wedding gifts for the happy couple from both sets of parents.
27. Are my hair and makeup okay?
Kaajal, bindi, maang tika – so much could go wrong!
28. Looking forward to the wedding night? *Nudge-nudge, wink-wink*
God forbid that the bride and groom may have preempted the suhaag raat!
29. Is the family going with you on the honeymoon?
You’d be surprised at the number of brides and grooms who actually reply with a yes to this!
MUST-READ: How to Catch a Guy’s Attention at an Indian Wedding
MUST-READ: The 10 Types of People You’ll Meet at an Indian Wedding
