My boyfriend and I had been together for three years (and sleeping with each other for two of those) before we used flavoured condoms for the first time. The regular ones worked just fine for us, so we never really felt the need to experiment much with ones that tasted different, I guess. 😛
Anyway, one day – it was the eve of his birthday – he called me and said that he’d forgotten to pick up condoms, so would I do so on my way to his house? I said I would. Being a girl and buying condoms from a shop is an annoying thing to do in India since people stare so much (and so judgmentally), but I’d done it enough times before to have grown used to it.
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En route to his house, laden with birthday presents, I stopped my cab and walked into a pharmacy and asked for Durex. They didn’t have it. The only brand they had, they explained looking very embarrassed, was Kamasutra. It was not a brand my boyfriend liked much, so I asked them to show me what all they had. Naturally, they looked like they were going to have a heart attack at my question. Anyway, out came the three packs with a great degree of reluctance on the shop assistant’s part. Ribbed, dotted, regular. While I was trying to make up my mind about which one to pick (and wondering if they’d actually have a heart attack if I called Aman to check what he wanted), I spotted another pack lurking on a shelf – Kamasutra Surprise.
“Woh kya hai?” I asked, pointing. Since it was his birthday, surprise did seem like an appropriate sentiment. Speechless, the guy reached for the pack and handed it to me. I read the label – it was an assorted bunch of flavoured condoms. (I forget whether it was a pack of six or ten – this was a good five years ago.) The label didn’t specify what exactly the flavours were, but I decided to get it anyway. I was very curious and willing to be surprised myself by now.
I reached Aman’s place and the first half hour passed with him oohing and aahing at his presents. I’d got him a wallet, cute socks, a cake, a box of his fav chocolates and a toy gun (because he loved his action movies a bit too much), so he was one happy boy right now. “And now SURPRISE!” I squealed and fished out the condom pack. After grumbling for a bit about the brand, Aman finally agreed that since it was his birthday, he should be willing to expand his horizons and experiment a bit. And be surprised, LOL.
After he cut his cake at midnight, we headed into the bedroom and started making out. A few minutes later, we were down to our birthday clothes (i.e., naked!) and Aman reached for the condom pack and handed it to me. “No, no – it’s your birthday, you should do the honours!” I told him. He opened up the pack. The first condom to emerge was a chocolate flavoured one. We sniffed experimentally – it smelt quite weird. Like Cadbury chocolate, with a hint of hawai chappals. I made a face. “Hmm,” Aman said, frowning. “No, I like chocolates too much to tarnish their memory.” He reached for the second one. This one was a banana flavoured one. “I don’t like bananas!” he complained. “Uff, stop whining,” I snapped at him. Since you don’t like bananas, there’s nothing to be tarnished.” I was quite turned on and ready to get going – this dithering over condoms was getting on my nerves. “Fine, fine, fine!” Aman shrugged. I guess he wanted to get a move on as well. 😛
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I put the condom on him and lay back on the bed. Just as he was about to enter me, though, I had a bright idea. “Wait!” I exclaimed. “What?!” Aman responded, looking taken aback. “Since it’s flavoured,” I said to him, “shouldn’t we put it to use the way it’s supposed to be?” Aman looked baffled. “Huh?” he said. “For a blow job, dummy!” I told him. Then we had a two-minute argument about that. Since we both got ourselves tested regularly, and had clean bills of health, we hadn’t used protection for oral sex for more than a year. But I was adamant. I can be like that sometimes, I admit – when I get an idea into my head, I can’t let go until I’ve at least tried it. Finally, when it looked like we weren’t going to be doing anything unless I got to try my flavoured-condom blow-job experiment, Aman rolled his eyes and agreed.
I scrambled to my knees and took him into my mouth. And then almost immediately jerked back, my face scrunched up in horror. It was dis.gus.ting. Not only did it taste like a condom, but also quite distinctly like a banana too. So, overall, given the texture of rubber and the taste, my boyfriend’s penis felt like nothing more than banana-flavoured jujups – minus the sugar, of course, with an additional element of EWW-ness thanks to the horrible feeling of latex.
“See, I TOLD you it was a bad idea!” Aman complained. “Yeah, you were right,” I agreed, looking woefully down at his penis. He was still turned on, while my arousal had disappeared the moment I’d actually tasted the condom. And that’s when it occurred to me for the first time that Aman’s penis was quite banana-shaped. So here I was, on my knees, staring a banana-shaped penis shod in a banana-flavoured condom. My brain could not handle so much absurdity any longer and I burst into peals of laughter. After a good two minutes of laughing hysterically, I explained to Aman what I was about. He swatted me on my butt out of exasperation and stalked off to the loo to get rid of the condom and wash up.
I guess it’s kinda obvious that we didn’t end up using any more of the “surprises” from our little pack of delight (NOT). We just stuck with good old-fashioned oral and using our hands. The next morning, the first thing we did was to go to a shop in his neighbourhood and pick up regular condoms. Obviously, we had loads of sex for his birthday breakfast. 😛
* Names changed to protect privacy.
Images: Shutterstock
